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Refusing to Be Your Parent’s Caregiver
Sometimes it’s the only choice
“She’s too perfect,” my mother told my niece when they interviewed the new caregiver on Wednesday. My mother’s new caregiver starts today, and she’s already looking for reasons to fire her as she has her four previous caregivers.
My mother, BB, turns 97 in March and finally realizes the family she’s alienated from isn’t going to jump in and be her unpaid and unappreciated staff.
If BB is going to continue living in her house with her pets, she’ll need some professional help.
Caregivers are incredible
I hear stories from my friends who take care of their elderly parents or read personal accounts of caregiving from other writers like Mary McGrath, and I have huge respect and empathy for what they do every day.
People who aren’t professional caregivers but who do what needs to be done to make life for their elderly parent or relative a little easier are my heroes. They have to have compassion, physical strength, the ability to handle crises, big and small, and most of all, patience.
I admire them, but I can’t be one of them.
Caregiving can be a fulfilling experience
For some people, caregiving for their elderly family members is a gift and honor. The caregiver gets to spend precious time with their loved ones before they die.
Caregiving is more than helping people — it’s scheduling, companionship, nursing, housework, cooking, monitoring, and emotional exhaustion. It’s more than a job — it’s a vocation.
If helping people brings you joy and you’re aware of the challenges of caregiving a family member, then go for it.
Limit your expectations
As people age, they often change, so while it’s unlikely that a toxic parent would become a warm, caring individual, it’s not impossible.
However, if you expect your parent to change and that’s what you’re basing your decision on, you’ll end up disappointed. Look at the situation as it is, not how you’d like it to be.
