As our customer, Scott Rudin gave us a glimpse of the abusive man he’d become

Photo by Dollar Gill on Unsplash

I was at a special screening of Wayne’s World on the Paramount Lot checking out the free food and drink when Scott Rudin came up to me and said, “I know you. How do I know you?”

I put on my best-confused face and said, “No, I don’t think we’ve ever met,” hoping he’d let the matter drop. But as we all know now, he wasn’t gracious or kind enough to do that.

He continued to stare at me and finally said, “I’m good with faces. I’ll remember by the end of the night.” It sounded like a threat the…


It’s not always a good idea to meet your idols.

Photo by Tofin Creations on Unsplash

I’m obsessed with the 1973 movie musical Jesus Christ Superstar and have been since I saw it in a theater with my mother when it was released. I’ve seen the movie hundreds of times and several versions of the stage production. In other words, I’m Jesus Christ Superfan.

However, I’m not religious, and my knowledge of Jesus begins and ends with the musical. If it didn’t happen in Jesus Christ Superstar, then I don’t know about it, which doesn’t help me at Easter.

Surprisingly, my favorite character isn’t Jesus; it’s Pontius Pilate, played by Barry Dennen in the movie. …


I make a reverse-bucket list

Photo by Catalin Pop on Unsplash

We’re great at recognizing other people’s achievements, but it’s much more challenging to see and appreciate our own. How many times do you do something to support a friend or a loved one, but fail to congratulate yourself on finishing a project or achieving a goal?

Whether it’s pre-ordering someone’s book, attending a show or gallery-opening, or donating to a crowd-fund campaign to help a dream project become a reality, we’re happy to do it.

However, there are times when we find ourselves feeling less than accomplished and more like a colossal failure. …


TAKE THIS JOB & SHOVE IT

You are the worst

Photo by Aleks Gerasko on Unsplash

Dear Matt,

I wanted to let you know I’ve asked Head Office for a re-assignment. I’ll no longer be your guardian angel two weeks from today. I can’t wait!! Leaving one’s post is frowned upon by the higher-ups, but I can’t take your bullsh*t a second longer.

Normally, two weeks in angel-time is nothing, but every extra day with you feels like August in Death Valley without A/C. I’d rather rip my wings apart feather by feather than be your protector for a minute longer.

I became your guardian angel at the moment of your birth, and in most cases…


I don’t talk smack about the people you love.

Allie in her nest. Photo by Christine Schoenwald

I don’t know why some people think it’s okay to say hateful things about cats to people who love cats. If you can’t say anything nice about cats, then what’s wrong with you?

If you’re not a cat super-fan, you should be able to find something kind about them or at least know enough to keep your mouth closed and your opinions to yourself.

Here’s the thing, saying harsh or hateful comments about cats, especially when no one asked in the first place, is bad manners and, at the very least, unappreciated and inappropriate.

It’s never a good idea to say malicious things about cats

You never know how a fur…


Now, I know what to look for.

Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash

My decisions aren’t always bad. I avoided having sex with a pedophile by recognizing him for the damaged and dangerous man he was. And then there was the time I knew enough not to get involved with a guy who wanted to use me as a way to get to my friend.

However, I wasn’t that perceptive when I had sex for the first time with a sexual narcissist.

“You remind me of my cousin — she’s pretty too,” he said to me during a rehearsal for a college play that we were both cast in. …


They need to know just as much as you do.

Carlos hiding his face. Photo by author.

Contrary to popular belief, cats are emotional creatures. They’re not always aloof or cold — they have emotions and needs just like humans do. Cats may have very different ways of showing how they feel or requesting what they need, but they feel happiness, loneliness, anger, grief, and even joy.

We want our pets to have the best lives, and we make sure that they’re well-fed, exercised, and that their litter-boxes are kept clean. Most of all, we want our pets to know that they’re loved.

While cats do have a certain entitlement — I’m a feline; therefore, I should…


As women, we learn to be tough.

Photo by Alexis Antonio on Unsplash

“I would rather put my dick in a wood-chopper than have sex with you,” some random guy wrote me in a Facebook message. He responded to an article I wrote years ago about men who had sex with fat women but wouldn’t date them.

This article still has some legs, and Upworthy shares it a lot, and when they share it, people, men especially, react to it. It doesn’t say that they have to date or have sex with fat women, just that this phenomenon exists.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 20-years, so the article isn’t…


You may need to change your mindset to see them

Photo by Ioana Cristiana on Unsplash

When I look back on my twenties, I remember all the things I had and didn’t appreciate: my youthful body, my relative lack of fear, and the confidence to be open to the possibilities lined up endlessly before me.

What isn’t at the forefront of my memory is my insecurity about everything, the emotional turmoil I was always in, and my impatience at not being where I wanted to be in my life, especially when compared to others.

I didn’t appreciate my youth when I had it and always felt like my best years were behind me. I felt this…


It’s not because I need more cats.

Photo of Josie by Author.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I have four cats. Four may be high for some and not enough for others, but four is a good number for me. It’s the legal limit in my town, and I feel it’s a respectable number of cats to care for in my home without feeling as if I’m an out-of-control hoarder.

There’s no set equation for how many cats is too many in my mind. …

Christine Schoenwald

Writer for The Los Angeles Times, Salon, The Startup, Tenderly, Fearless She Wrote, MuddyUm. Christineschoenwaldwriter.com

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